The whole of Auchenshoogle was rocked today by the news that Oor Wullie has joined racist party Britain First. The bucket loving lyrical gangster, always known for his controversial views, has said in the past that he admires BF’s ‘bucket-focussed’ policies: no free buckets for asylum seekers; an end to immigration due to over-stretched bucket resources; and to replace burqas with a special BF designed ‘face bucket’
When interviewed his Maw confirmed the news but said Wullie was unavailable for comments because ‘He’s away tae his bed with nae supper!’ (Translation: ‘He’s away tae his bed with nae supper!’). Close associate, Fat Bob, said: ‘Wullie has always backed big figures with staying power – Charles Kennedy, Alex Salmond, The Proclaimers.’ Ex-fiance, Primrose Paterson (pictured) said ‘That wee shite? He ruined my life! Hanging aboot in the Two Ways Inn with that daft slag Doris Gow!’
Primrose ‘Pissy Pants’ Patterson
‘He’s up to nae guid I tell ye, and we’re carrying oot enquiries’ said head of Auchenshoogle CID, PC Murdoch. BF leader Jayda Fransen (pictured) declined to comment.
In other hungover stories as unfunny as this, we interview local bookworm Horace Broon about his new book ’50 Shades Of Broon!’
Horace: ‘likes wanking’