The UK’s barbaric badger slaughter was temporarily halted yesterday following a ‘celebrity culling’ in Nutwood Forest when Bill T. Badger, hi-tech secretary to Nutwood’s UKIP candidate Rupert T. Bear, was reportedly ‘kicked tae fuck.’
‘I didnae realise who he wiz,’ said badger knacker Tarquin Quunt, ‘but we kicked fuck oot of him, first with a spade, then just hammers. Then the final coup-de-foie-gras was delivered wi’ a half-brick.’ Asked how he felt about the incident, Quunt said ‘Aye, I feel great. It wiz funny. Messy, but funny.’
Badger: ‘Fuck kicked out of!’
The position of Rupert’s secretary will now be taken by Ping Pong, a Thai born entertainer whose name is apparently related to her cabaret act, ‘Anyone For Table Tennis?’ Rupert faced immediate criticism for employing a non-UK national and quickly resigned (for the 4th time) but re-elected himself later when he was wankered.
‘I didn’t resign again, did I?’
And News Just In …
Donald Trump rang the leader of Britain, the Queen, asking if Rupert could be made ‘world secretary’ despite the fact he is not an MP, is not in government, and has fuck all qualifications. Not only that, but he’s shagging some forrin bird as well!
Trump later referred to The Queen as a ‘senile piss bag stand’ and that her ‘race-mixing Jelly whacking grandson better not go for a late night drive round Paris apres-fucken-dejeuner or else!’ Mrs Queen was unavailable for comment as she was pissed-up in the bathroom with a mucky book and a Motorhead CD.
Trump: ‘Hey, I look like Alec Baldwin!’
‘So fuck? I look like Helen Mirren!’