Crivvens! Jings! And Help Ma Boab! After 8 years, 285 posts, and 173,250 hits (as of 26/06/18) the most visited entry on our blog has been that rather bad tempered interview with Combat 18 neo-Nazi murderer Charlie Sergent. Not only that, but despite the poorly researched articles, vicious hangovers, weak jokes and Oor Wullie fixation we continue to attract new readers. But not enough. So we decided to boost the stats and give Combat Chas a tinkle on the dog and phone to see how he’s diddling. Here’s the transcript.
Mal: Hello, is that Charlie? It’s the ‘Malatesta’ blog here.
CS: Oh, fack, wot d’you want, you packed lunch?
Mal: Err, we just wanted to wish you err… merry Christmas!
CS: It’s facking Joon innit, you tuna melt!
Mal: Jings! Just ma wee joke there, Chas. What’s happening?
CS: Well I ended back in the pokey after Eddie Stampton accidentally leaked that pic of me and him in the rubber dub-dub. But he said it was an accident and had meant to send it to his mum.
Chas ‘n’ Ed! Cockney Cunts!
Mal: Why trust a bloke who can’t spell his own name? Is he Stampton, Stanton, Stampden?
CS: What do you know, you fackin’ toilet fudge stick.
Mal: Ooh. Ok. How’s the kids Chas?
CS: Well. Haribo’s now doing 6 months inside and Fatima’s at beauty college.
CS: Yeah, that’s a bootiful British name that, you tin foil dry lunch! Yeah, she was born 10 months after I got sent down for killing that bloke I didn’t kill.
Mal: Do you see any of the chaps these days? How’s Rob Gray?
CS: He’s a tuna-fish tinfoil melt who wants his canister opening. He’s a puffter, a bummer and a cocoa butter hunter.
Rob Gray, ex-Combat 18, has now defected to the pink side! And he’s a peach! Mmm!
Mal: Eh? … ok. What do you think of Tommy Robinson?
CS: He’s a cheese and ham toastie innit? He’s got through more porridge than you Jocks!
Mal: Well, I wouldn’t know, Chas. I have muesli with almond milk. It’s great for the complexion.
CS: Yeah Fatima told me. She said cut out the pints of Brittany Spears and oily rags and get down the Fat Boy Slim. I got a membership for it but got banned cos you can’t go on them running machines when you’re all pissed up on alco-booze! Watching soccer’s easier.
Mal: Err, yeah, right. Up the Milwall Hammers, eh Chas?
CS: Are you having a giraffe? You’re spinning my nut!
Mal: That white power music you lot used to distribute was shit. What’s happening on your Sony Walkman these days, old feller me lad?
CS: Oh, Abba, Queen, Wham, Prince Far I, heavy dub reggae … And plenty of Irish republican songs, especially by the Gerry Adams Family cos it’s through them I reconnected with my Catholic faith.
The Gerry Adams Family: sounding as shit as they look!
Mal: Chas, you know when you’re in prison and in the showers and that … do you look?
CS: … You wot, you tin bag fuck mop, I’ll crease you up your blimey, you tricky spam handler!
Mal: Hang on Chas, I’ve got no more coins for the phone …
…beep beep beep.
So there you have it, our old China plate Chas ‘n Dave’ Sargent in fine form. Tune in next week for our exclusive interview with Hitler.
Be Seeing You.